Paul Szmal: It is 818 on FLX Morning, sunny skies, temperature though is a bit on the chilly side, we're still at 40. And joining me now is Rebecca DeLong, she is a domestic violence victims advocate from Family Counseling Service of the Finger Lakes. Rebecca, good morning, how are you this morning?
Rebecca DeLong: Good morning, I'm doing well, how are you? I'm doing well, doing well.
Paul Szmal: We are into the month of October, which is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.
Rebecca DeLong: Yes, so all of October, as you said, is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. We do have a specific day on, it's October 18th this year, oh I'm sorry, it's October 16th this year for our National Wear Purple Day, and that is just to spread awareness of domestic violence and kind of get resources out there for people who may be struggling. And then our agency, Family Counseling, is also hosting a bowling tournament at Roseland Bowl on October 18th in Canandaigua to raise money for funding for our program. So we are able to continue those and assist more survivors within the community.
Paul Szmal: Yeah, you sent me over some statistics that I thought were rather alarming.
Rebecca DeLong: I did, yes. Every minute, 32 people experience some form of domestic violence, 10 million people experience it on an annual basis. That's frightening.
Paul Szmal: Yeah, it typically affects every one in two women in the U.S. and then every one in five men, and it takes a victim approximately seven times before they are able to fully ready to leave their abuser, so it can be quite the struggle.
Rebecca DeLong: Yeah, it can. And why does it usually happen that way? Why does it take so long for people to be able to break that cycle and get out of these abusive relationships?
Paul Szmal: So there can be many different reasons. It's very specific to each situation, but a lot of times the abuser will isolate, manipulate, and control the victim using different forms of abuse, including financial, emotional, physical, mental, and economic. The most unsafe time, most dangerous time for a victim is actually when they are leaving, because that's when the abuser kind of feels like, oh no, I'm losing control, so they really tighten the grip on the victim. So it's very important for agencies like us to keep our funding and programming going so we can help those individuals, and also for these individuals to receive support from family and friends in the community, which can be frustrating to see this cycle of abuse continue with your loved one, but being there to support them is a huge deal.
Rebecca DeLong: And only 34% of victims ever actually report domestic violent injuries and seek medical care. That's another disturbing stat.
Paul Szmal: Yeah, so there's a huge stigma around that. People worry that maybe they won't be taken seriously, people won't believe them. A lot of times there's children involved, so you may end up in court, and that's a whole other situation where there's a lot of things that happen that really aren't fair to the victim, so they wait until the last minute to try and avoid these things.
Rebecca DeLong: I'm curious as to how men are affected by domestic violence. I can certainly understand women, but one in five men, that seems like a pretty large number.
Paul Szmal: Yes, one in five men. So one thing about DV is it does not discriminate. It doesn't care what your gender identity is, your ethnicity, your religion, DV affects everyone.
Rebecca DeLong: Wow, that is something else to think about. What are some of the services the Family Counseling Service of the Finger Lakes offers for domestic violence victims?
Paul Szmal: Sure, so we provide services to all survivors, regardless of your gender identity, your ethnicity, your abilities. We offer a fully staffed hotline that is available 24-7, 365 days a year, even on holidays. So if you have an emergency on Christmas, we're there for you. And we also have a chat line available during our business hours if clients don't feel safe enough to make a phone call, and they can sneak in a text message that might be a little easier because a lot of clients' phone records are monitored by their abusers. We also provide court accompaniment, transportation. We do crisis intervention, domestic violence education. We have personalized safety plans that we create with each client if they feel that that's necessary. And one of our biggest services that we offer is assistance with filling out and filing petitions. And we also follow the client through that whole process, from the filing of the petition to their appearance at court. And when they get their final ruling, we check in with them after that, and it's like we stay with them through the entire thing, so they have that support.
Rebecca DeLong: Yeah, that is a lot of support that is necessary for somebody to get out of one of these situations.
Paul Szmal: Yes, absolutely. And one of the components of that is the educational component. How does that work?
Rebecca DeLong: Yeah, so our DV education program, we will sit with the client, and a lot of it is very catered specifically to what the client is wanting, is needing. And we can talk about recognizing red flags, green flags. We talk about the cycle of abuse. We talk about the power and control wheel. And a lot of it is just to assist them in recognizing these patterns so that moving forward, they're not aligning themselves with the same type of people so that they are being perpetrated against yet again.
Paul Szmal: Yeah, that is an important point. And something else that you mentioned there that stands out is the phrase cycle of abuse.
Rebecca DeLong: Yes, yep. So it absolutely is a cycle. It's going to start with more of your honeymoon phase, like, oh, everything's great. You'll see all that love bombing and stuff like that. And then something will happen that will kind of, like, light a fire under the abuser, and that will be where the incident occurs. And that will kind of cycle back around to that honeymoon phase where everything seems good for a while, and that's just a continuous cycle. It might be very hard to recognize, but it will probably be there. The pattern is typically there in most cases.
Paul Szmal: Right. And it's breaking that cycle and getting out of that situation that is the first step toward trying to heal and move on to a more healthy, productive life.
Rebecca DeLong: Yes, absolutely. And a lot of people, like I said, they don't leave because, you know, financial constraints, the abuser has isolated them away from family and friends. That's a huge tactic that we're seeing a lot of lately is just the isolation, and they really don't have anyone to count on. So the abuser has made it so that is their only safe person, and it's really not a safe person.
Paul Szmal: No, no, not at all. Yeah, and then there is also some concern for children. If they have pets, they have concern over that. So there's a lot of reasons that a person would kind of stay longer than they would necessarily want to.
Rebecca DeLong: Yeah, unfortunately, children and pets can become pawns in this game.
Paul Szmal: Absolutely, yep. We are talking with Rebecca DeLong. She is a domestic violence victims advocate that works for Family Counseling Services of the Finger Lakes. I imagine that the length of time it takes to get someone out of an abusive relationship, get through any necessary court process or whatever, probably differs case to case.
Rebecca DeLong: It does, yeah. Some clients have a bit of a more involved case. Like I said, if they have children, they have pets, if they're married and they have assets that they have to split, that can take longer than most simple cases where it's just like, oh, you know, you have family to go to, so you're good for now, we'll just do an order of protection and a safety plan. Some cases are not as in-depth. It really is very dependent on the specific situation.
Paul Szmal: What advice would you give to someone who knows someone that is involved in an abusive relationship and is a victim of any of these types of domestic violence, again, remembering that it's not just the physical violence that we're talking about here?
Rebecca DeLong: Yes, absolutely. It comes in many different forms, including emotional, mental, economic. I would say as hard as it can be to have like a family or a friend or someone that you care about and watching them go through this, continue to offer support because you may be their only safe person, the only person that will listen to them and believe them, and continue to just say, to give resources like our hotline number, things like that, and help them figure out what they can do if they do decide to leave.
Paul Szmal: Right, right. And, by the way, you do have that 24-7-365 hotline number. What is that number, Rebecca?
Rebecca DeLong: We do. So, that hotline number is 800-695-0390.
Paul Szmal: Okay. 800, I'm sorry, what was that again?
Rebecca DeLong: It's 800-695-0390. It's 800-695-0390. 695-0390. Yes. 800-695-0390.
Paul Szmal: If you want to jot that number down and have it handy, if you or someone you know is a victim of domestic violence, the folks from Family Counseling Service of the Finger Lakes are there to be able to help you. Rebecca, thank you so much for the information this morning, and let's hope for many people who are trapped in these situations to start to be able to find their way out and find their way towards a healthier and better life.
Rebecca DeLong: Yes. Thank you for having me. And you can find all of our information, as well as our DV hotline number, on our website at fcsfl.org. And if you are interested in signing up for our bowling tournament, that can be found on our social media pages or at go.rallyup.com.
Paul Szmal: Yeah. And when is that bowling tournament again, Rebecca?
Rebecca DeLong: That is October 18th at Roseland Bowl in Canandaigua.
Paul Szmal: Oh, and ball for a good cause there and have some fun and help support Family Counseling Service of the Finger Lakes. It is 829 on FLX morning.
